Rio and the Five-Ring Carnival

We love the USA, but let's be honest here. A Summer Olympics in Chicago would be about as much fun as gargling shampoo.

Think about August in Chicago. Brutally hot. The whole north side of the city is surly because the Cubs have been out of the pennant race for two month. The whole south side of the city is surly because, well, because it's the South Side of Chicago. We're thinking instead of a bunch of guys beating the hell out of drums like in Beijing, Chicago would give us a bunch of Teamsters giving everybody the finger and walking out of the stadium. Yeah, screw you and all five of the rings you rode in on, buddy. Bob Costas would tell you not to tune in later.

Rio, on the other hand, is going to revolutionize the Olympic Movement. Those Opening Ceremonies are going to have color and music, and probably a bunch of feathers and a lot of skin, too. And they're going to run six hours long. Hell, the whole Olympics may take a full month to finish. (And the array of multicultural babies with athletic genes that will be born nine months after Rio douses the torch will stock the Games of 2036, once the kids decide whether to compete for Sweden or South Africa, Switzerland or Swaziland.)

Thongs as part of Opening Ceremonies team uniforms. Just on the women, we hope, and not on the women from the pasty, chubby countries.

And the Closing Ceremonies are guaranteed not to have Smashing Pumpkins.

Is samba dancing an Olympic sport? Or salsa dancing? Do they do either one in Brazil? Hey, we don't care. We're busy thinking about the spectacle that will be women's beach volleyball at the Rio Olympics. Our pants can't stop smiling.

So Brazil, we raise a cachaca to you tonight. Sorry, we couldn't find the right keyboard combination to make the little "c with the dangly thing" that should be before the final letter. And, in all honesty, it's a Budweiser, because we wouldn't know how to buy Cachaca if a pack of ruthless Rio street kids put a pistol to our head.

Budweiser, St. Louis' finest. Sorry, Chicago, just not a good day for you all around. Wait till next year -- oh, yeah, that's the Cubs.