Stimulate this

We're just getting past the point when we can stifle a snicker when we hear "stimulus" and "package" in the same sentence. We're funny that way.

It looks like our government is going to be writing some big checks very soon, though, and we've thought of a few ways to spend a billion or two.

1. Fox. Sure, Rupert's not hurting for cash, but let's throw some money at Fox's BCS coverage. Even our impressive pain threshold wasn't enough to get us through the title game a couple of weeks ago. Three stationary cameras (two in front of the bands) and a webcam hanging from the belt of the back judge aren't enough. Announcers who trumpet great fouth-down stands on third down and gush man-love sonnets over J.H. Tebow need to go back to the minors. Fox's remaining BCS time is short, sure, but it's clearly not short enough. Spend a few hundred million and make it right.

2. The Raiders. Assisted living for Al Davis, the best that money can buy. Make sure the doors double-lock from the outside.

3. L.A. First a billion to put an NFL team back in the second-biggest city in America. Then, to make sure the graft isn't rejected, spend several billion more to move a bunch of Giants, Jets and Eagles fans out, a la the witness protection program. Give them jobs cleaning the streets or making sandwiches or guarding prisoners or whatever. Then get them in their new team's gear and get them out to the stadium on Sunday. Fill in empty spots in the stands with institutionalized old folks, except Al Davis. For God's sake, our second-biggest city. What an embarrassment.