A place of his own

Dear Mr. President,

We know you're busy. New town, new house, lots of friends calling in favors. Go out for a quiet night of inaugural balling with the missus and what do they kids do? Not only do they throw a party, but they invite the Jonas Brothers. You must still be cleaning up.

But hear us out on this one, because we think you're already making a mistake. So here's the free advice for the day: Don't close Guantanamo.

We're not here to get into that whole try-them-or-don't-try-them, torture-them-or-don't-torture-them thing. But if you're going to move the current residents out to Leavenworth or Newark or wherever, don't close the place down. Let somebody else have the full Gitmo experience.

Pacman Jones.

We know you're no stranger to the sports pages, so you know the guy's a one-man crime wave. Sign something into law with a fancy name -- we like the Gentleman's Club Protection Act of 2009, but, hey, you're the prez so you can name it what you like -- and give Pacman his little piece of Cuba, whether he likes it or not. Even if he isn't guilty of something at this very moment, it's only a matter of time.

We know you're probably not a gentleman's club kind of guy (at least we never saw you at The Admiral), but, for God's sake, it's a homeland security issue.

Bonus idea: Throw some extra cameras up, start a reality show and generate some revenue to help pay down the debt the U.S.A. is piling up. "Guantanamo Jones," maybe. You couldn't just show Pacman and the military guards (and you'll need some of those, you know -- the guy plays in the NFL during his down time) and hold ratings, so introduce some new elements in each episode. Some familiar to him (strippers, guys with guns, maybe Jerry Jones), some not so familiar (just about everybody else, maybe the Jonas Brothers). Watch hilarity ensue.

Sell it to NFL Network or MTV, maybe both. Sell a sponsorship to a music label. We're just looking for a few bills out of this, enough to create a currency blizzard of our own and send a strip club into a panic. Hey, it sounded cool when Pacman did it.

Love, CrackStaff