The interview you don't want

We don't question the motives or intentions of mixed-martial arts fighters. It's a rule of ours. We hear they are more thoughtful, introspective folk than we might imagine, plus we don't like the idea of them ripping our heads off and using them as carry-on luggage.

But once in a while it's time to break the rules.

Look in the Jan. 19 SI, the one with Jesus H. Tebow on the cover. Look for the Pop Culture Grid (which strangely enough has little pop and no culture -- who named this thing?) There MMA fighter Matt Lindland says the person he'd most like to be interviewed by is "'Dateline's' Chris Hansen."

In our most nonconfrontational tone of voice: Dude.

Chris Hansen is the guy who does the "To Catch a Predator" shows for "Dateline." There's really only scenario in which Chris Hansen interviews you. It goes something like this:

You find yourself spending way too much time chatting with some 14-year-old hottie online. She tells you her folks are going to be out of town. You invite yourself over, tell her exactly what you're going to do to her in full-on Hustler detail, and get there as fast as your El Camino can carry you. Maybe you pick up a 12-pack or score some weed on the way -- that part's optional. She invites you in, then leaves you alone for a moment.

That's when Chris Hansen interviews you. You may have your pants around your ankles or you may not -- that part's optional too -- but in the end it's all the same. Chris gets his camera time and makes you feel like a bad, bad boy. Then you're invited to head outside, where there are more cameras, plus cops waiting to put you down whether you are walking, running or begging. Arraignment. Conviction. Prison. Bad, bad things.

Don't do it, Matt. Take on Mike Wallace or Chris Wallace or Wallace Shawn or the ghost of Tim Russert or that producer guy who gets in people's faces for Bill O'Reilly. But don't take on Chris. Chris only plays home games, and he never loses.