The Lions won a game, completing their rise from historically bad to merely crappy. Remember when you used to actively search for a Lions score, wanting to see whether they would stretch the streak one game further? Those days are gone, my friend, and so is the Lions’ hideous mystique. They’re just another bad NFL team. They didn’t even make the CrapTastic5.
5. Washington Redskins
There are several more teams out there at 0-3, but the 1-2 Redskins earned this through their lack of hard work, preparation or ownership humility. There’s that whole losing-to-a-team-that-hadn’t-won-in-a-couple-of-years thing, and the 9-7 home victory over the Rams two weeks ago was as good as a loss in our book.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Given that Florida is 1-8 in the NFL this year, somebody has to represent. Jax actually won this week (at Houston -- oooh) and Miami came close against the Colts a couple of weeks ago, so hello, Bucs!
3. Kansas City Chiefs
Anybody can go to Philly and get whacked, even against their backup QB and their felonious backup backup. But that loss at home to the Raiders a couple of weeks ago -- now that, that was special.
2. St. Louis Rams
Man, we thought Florida was bad NFL territory this year. Get a load of Missouri. The Rams are the new Lions. Or maybe the old Lions. We’re thinking nothing short of a zombie attack at the visiting team’s hotel is going to get the Rams a W this season.
1. Cleveland Browns
A thoroughly CrapTastic performance at Baltimore earns the Browns the top spot this week. It is the first time the Browns have lost to a team that’s actually good (are the Broncos the worst 3-0 team in NFL history?), but they put up so little fight in doing so that we wonder whether Mangini is already packing for his pending move to the Old Belichick Assistants’ Home. One blogger suggested chucking the QBs and going all Wildcat, all the time -- count us in!
Circling the drain: Raiders, Panthers, Titans (but not the Lions!)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The DamnFine10: Sept. 27, 2009
Ole Miss, Penn State, Cal: What do all these teams have in common? we ask. Well, you say, they're all top-10 teams that got knocked off Saturday. Yes, we say, but please also note that none of them were in CrackStaff's DamnFine10 because none of them had beaten anybody close to anybody yet this year. Cal's victory at Minnesota was probably the best win any of them had. Gophers. Ooooh.
But, you say, you did have Miami in the DamnFine10 and they got waxed too. But, we say, they had a victory over a Florida State team that had won at BYU, then turned around Saturday and lost at home to South Florida, making the whole mess a little tricky to evaluate. (We're now of the mind that Fla. St. is not an up-and-down team but instead a bad team that played really well in Provo. But check back with us.) Oh, and Miami played in a car wash Saturday. But when you're from Miami, that really shouldn't matter, should it?
Finally, you say, why are you using this silly rhetorical device? We're sorry, we say, hanging our heads. It mirrors the conversations we have inside our heads. And we started drinking a little earlier than usual today.
1. Alabama
Big plays carried the day for the Tide. Expected a little more sustained excellence out of the offense against a Hawg defense that Georgia toyed with. Bama D did the job though. Will Petrino follow his previous MO, quit in the middle of the season to take a D-2 job?
2. Houston
Avoided what looked like a perfect setup for failure: big game at home vs. name opponent (Texas Tech) after a huge win and a week off. And the Cougars were well on their way to following through. Then they went out at halftime and recruited a real defense, which shut down T-Tech in the second half and allowed them to squeak one out. Cougartown!
3. Florida
Kentucky blows, but that's the way a big dog is supposed to win on the road in the SEC. If we hear one more announcer asking for our prayers for JHT, we're going Satanist on you. A ton of kids get carted off fields every weekend while playing for our enjoyment, guys with worse injuries and far grimmer career prospects than Tebow, and nobody says a word about them.
4. Cincinnati
Holy Christ on a moped, do you realize that we're just a few upsets away from a Cincinnati-Boise State BCS Championship Game? As our dear mom says, Now, wouldn't that be something? Yeah, Mom, that'd be something all right; something more horrible than any right-thinking college football fan could imagine.
5. Boise State
The Boise scheduler seems to have gotten the idea that MAC beatdowns will help the Broncos with the pollsters. Good luck with that.
6. LSU
Yeah, it's a win on the road in the SEC, but the triple goal-line stand at Starkville was reminding us a little of the two field goals that Iowa had to block to beat Northern Iowa. A win, good, but not a good win. The win at Washington, which increased in value after the Huskies beat USC, just lost some luster after UWash went to Stanford and got pasted. Fun conference, that Pac-10.
7. Iowa
Speaking of Iowa ... maybe Kirk Ferentz is worth the money. He is when he's playing Penn State.
8. TCU
We were going to put Texas here, because they beat Texas Tech at home, but the rest of their sked has been La-Monroe, at Wyoming and UTEP. And now they're taking a week off. TCU has won at Virginia and at Clemson. We think the Horned Frogs are leading the ACC now.
9. Virginia Tech
We swore we weren't going to let a team with a loss in for a while, but the Hokies' loss was to our top team on a neutral field, and on Saturday they made Miami look as bad as ... well, as Miami two years ago.
10. Auburn
Man, it's funny for us to see Auburn hanging up 54 on teams, even when they do suck. Are we sure this is really Auburn?
Teams we considered for a fleeting moment before deciding we don't like their colors or their mascot or somesuch: Texas, Michigan, Missouri, Kansas
But, you say, you did have Miami in the DamnFine10 and they got waxed too. But, we say, they had a victory over a Florida State team that had won at BYU, then turned around Saturday and lost at home to South Florida, making the whole mess a little tricky to evaluate. (We're now of the mind that Fla. St. is not an up-and-down team but instead a bad team that played really well in Provo. But check back with us.) Oh, and Miami played in a car wash Saturday. But when you're from Miami, that really shouldn't matter, should it?
Finally, you say, why are you using this silly rhetorical device? We're sorry, we say, hanging our heads. It mirrors the conversations we have inside our heads. And we started drinking a little earlier than usual today.
1. Alabama
Big plays carried the day for the Tide. Expected a little more sustained excellence out of the offense against a Hawg defense that Georgia toyed with. Bama D did the job though. Will Petrino follow his previous MO, quit in the middle of the season to take a D-2 job?
2. Houston
Avoided what looked like a perfect setup for failure: big game at home vs. name opponent (Texas Tech) after a huge win and a week off. And the Cougars were well on their way to following through. Then they went out at halftime and recruited a real defense, which shut down T-Tech in the second half and allowed them to squeak one out. Cougartown!
3. Florida
Kentucky blows, but that's the way a big dog is supposed to win on the road in the SEC. If we hear one more announcer asking for our prayers for JHT, we're going Satanist on you. A ton of kids get carted off fields every weekend while playing for our enjoyment, guys with worse injuries and far grimmer career prospects than Tebow, and nobody says a word about them.
4. Cincinnati
Holy Christ on a moped, do you realize that we're just a few upsets away from a Cincinnati-Boise State BCS Championship Game? As our dear mom says, Now, wouldn't that be something? Yeah, Mom, that'd be something all right; something more horrible than any right-thinking college football fan could imagine.
5. Boise State
The Boise scheduler seems to have gotten the idea that MAC beatdowns will help the Broncos with the pollsters. Good luck with that.
6. LSU
Yeah, it's a win on the road in the SEC, but the triple goal-line stand at Starkville was reminding us a little of the two field goals that Iowa had to block to beat Northern Iowa. A win, good, but not a good win. The win at Washington, which increased in value after the Huskies beat USC, just lost some luster after UWash went to Stanford and got pasted. Fun conference, that Pac-10.
7. Iowa
Speaking of Iowa ... maybe Kirk Ferentz is worth the money. He is when he's playing Penn State.
8. TCU
We were going to put Texas here, because they beat Texas Tech at home, but the rest of their sked has been La-Monroe, at Wyoming and UTEP. And now they're taking a week off. TCU has won at Virginia and at Clemson. We think the Horned Frogs are leading the ACC now.
9. Virginia Tech
We swore we weren't going to let a team with a loss in for a while, but the Hokies' loss was to our top team on a neutral field, and on Saturday they made Miami look as bad as ... well, as Miami two years ago.
10. Auburn
Man, it's funny for us to see Auburn hanging up 54 on teams, even when they do suck. Are we sure this is really Auburn?
Teams we considered for a fleeting moment before deciding we don't like their colors or their mascot or somesuch: Texas, Michigan, Missouri, Kansas
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The DamnFine10: Sept. 22, 2009
Note: We don't really know what Blogger's doing with the font back-and-forth, but we're not staying up another minute to figure it out. It's all in English, more or less, so don't be demanding. You're above that.
REBRANDING ALERT! We were bored with the old name, so we gave this list a new name. We try to be consistent, but we just can't do it with any frequency.
2. LSU
Like Bama, LSU gets some "win appreciation"; victory at Washington looks better because USC and it's crappy backup QB couldn't do it. Another chance to get it done on the road this week at Mississippi State, which, it seems, is still in the SEC.
3. Boise State
Nobody who ever plays on Friday night should be ranked this high on any list, but that wasn't just any team that Boise beat on the road last Friday. It was Fresno State, the former king of Friday, the best Friday team this side of a good Texas 5A squad. Well, the king is dead, and we don't mean Elvis. Long live the Broncos.
4. Miami (not of Ohio)
Are we back to the glory days of pregame brawls and nine unsportsmanlikes a game? No -- the Orange Bowl has been abandoned, and Jesus H. Tebow rules the land of Florida football with his swarthy but loving fist. Not the glory days, but 2-0 vs. top-20 teams makes us think a little less about recent outrages in Miami football history like, say, that 51-13 loss to Oklahoma a couple of years ago.
5. Cincinnati (of Ohio)
We swear, we saw one pundit with Cincinnati in his BCS National Championship Game vs. Florida. Mmm, boy, there's one we just can't wait to see. If that's where this whole road ends, can we just turn the car around now? Sweet Jesus, we'll become NBA fans if that's what it takes.
6. Houston
Celebrated colossal upset of Boone Pickens U. by taking the week off. Good on ya, and good luck in the game against Texas Tech, probably the first college football game with an over/under number that requires a comma.
7. Texas
Finally played somebody we've heard of, struggled through a grudge match at home.
8. Florida
9. UCLA
3-0 against schools from the Big 12, SEC and Mountain West. And that, friends, is what passes for excellence these days.
1o. Michigan
That RichRod fellow may have the best college football team in the state of Michigan. Congrats!
We're just not that into you anymore: The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU, Southern Cal, Georgia Tech, Minnesota
REBRANDING ALERT! We were bored with the old name, so we gave this list a new name. We try to be consistent, but we just can't do it with any frequency.
We're only three weeks into the season, so nobody who has lost a game need yet apply. Don't feed us any of that "good loss" crap untill at least halfway through the season. Have some pride, fergawdsakes.
1. Alabama
Beat the living hell out of another lousy team. That stirring victory over the Gobblers in Week 1 looks a little better after Tech dropped a miracle on Nebraska in Blacksburg, but it's also receding further into our alcohol-fogged memory. Hey, Tide, better hang half a hundred on Arkansas' lousy defense this weekend if you want to sniff the top again.2. LSU
Like Bama, LSU gets some "win appreciation"; victory at Washington looks better because USC and it's crappy backup QB couldn't do it. Another chance to get it done on the road this week at Mississippi State, which, it seems, is still in the SEC.
3. Boise State
Nobody who ever plays on Friday night should be ranked this high on any list, but that wasn't just any team that Boise beat on the road last Friday. It was Fresno State, the former king of Friday, the best Friday team this side of a good Texas 5A squad. Well, the king is dead, and we don't mean Elvis. Long live the Broncos.
4. Miami (not of Ohio)
Are we back to the glory days of pregame brawls and nine unsportsmanlikes a game? No -- the Orange Bowl has been abandoned, and Jesus H. Tebow rules the land of Florida football with his swarthy but loving fist. Not the glory days, but 2-0 vs. top-20 teams makes us think a little less about recent outrages in Miami football history like, say, that 51-13 loss to Oklahoma a couple of years ago.
5. Cincinnati (of Ohio)
We swear, we saw one pundit with Cincinnati in his BCS National Championship Game vs. Florida. Mmm, boy, there's one we just can't wait to see. If that's where this whole road ends, can we just turn the car around now? Sweet Jesus, we'll become NBA fans if that's what it takes.
6. Houston
Celebrated colossal upset of Boone Pickens U. by taking the week off. Good on ya, and good luck in the game against Texas Tech, probably the first college football game with an over/under number that requires a comma.
7. Texas
Finally played somebody we've heard of, struggled through a grudge match at home.
8. Florida
Finally played somebody we've heard of, struggled through a grudge match at … hey …
9. UCLA
3-0 against schools from the Big 12, SEC and Mountain West. And that, friends, is what passes for excellence these days.
1o. Michigan
That RichRod fellow may have the best college football team in the state of Michigan. Congrats!
We're just not that into you anymore: The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU, Southern Cal, Georgia Tech, Minnesota
The CrapTastic5: Sept. 22, 2009
The Cowboys’ new stadium is big and shiny, and has a ginormous video board that hovers over the field like the Death Star. Oh yeah, it was also Week 2 in the NFL, so here’s the CrackStaff CrapTastic 5. And we’re so high, no punter will ever reach us.
5. Kansas City Chiefs
Chiefs outgained Raiders 409 to 166 and still lost, so you should either bet them next week or never, ever bet them again. We’ll let you decide. And, hey, Chiefs, stop allowing Al Davis to win -- it just eggs him on.
4. Detroit Lions
Halftime lead -- isn’t that worth a rouge point?
3. Cleveland Browns
Specialists at making not-so-good teams look good ply their trade in Denver. Kyle Orton says thanks! Hard to save the franchise when you’re on your back; Brady Quinn, please meet the turf (four times).
2. Jacksonville Jaguars
When the Arizona Cardinals come all the way to the East Coast to play a 1 p.m. ET game at your stadium, you’re supposed to win. Apparently, Jaguars fans were too entranced by Jacksonville’s many other early-Sunday-afternoon leisure opportunities to bother showing up for the game. Note to Jags ownership: Drafting Jesus H. Tebow will not lead you to the promised land.
1. St. Louis Rams
We left the Rams off last week’s list because we thought they had defected to the UFL. But, hey, what do you know, they still wear the Shield, still play on network TV and everything. Oh, and they’ve scored 7 points all year. Maybe the UFL is still an option?
5. Kansas City Chiefs
Chiefs outgained Raiders 409 to 166 and still lost, so you should either bet them next week or never, ever bet them again. We’ll let you decide. And, hey, Chiefs, stop allowing Al Davis to win -- it just eggs him on.
4. Detroit Lions
Halftime lead -- isn’t that worth a rouge point?
3. Cleveland Browns
Specialists at making not-so-good teams look good ply their trade in Denver. Kyle Orton says thanks! Hard to save the franchise when you’re on your back; Brady Quinn, please meet the turf (four times).
2. Jacksonville Jaguars
When the Arizona Cardinals come all the way to the East Coast to play a 1 p.m. ET game at your stadium, you’re supposed to win. Apparently, Jaguars fans were too entranced by Jacksonville’s many other early-Sunday-afternoon leisure opportunities to bother showing up for the game. Note to Jags ownership: Drafting Jesus H. Tebow will not lead you to the promised land.
1. St. Louis Rams
We left the Rams off last week’s list because we thought they had defected to the UFL. But, hey, what do you know, they still wear the Shield, still play on network TV and everything. Oh, and they’ve scored 7 points all year. Maybe the UFL is still an option?
Friday, September 18, 2009
The CrapTastic5: Sept. 18, 2009
Because the NFL has a playoff system to determine its best team (what a concept!), ranking the best teams is kind of pointless. There’s no playoff to see who sucks the hardest, though, which makes the CrackStaff CrapTastic5 a stark necessity. We rank ’em as we see ’em; continuity with any previous list is not high on our list.
5. Detroit Lions
We don’t kick puppies or trip blind people -- we’re just like that. So because the Lions are fresh off a season so wretched that it scarred anybody associated with the franchise and just about anybody who was sentenced to watch them play, we tried to keep Detroit off the list. And they gave it a good go down in New Orleans. But when you give up 2,400 total yards and 73 TD passes, even to Drew Brees, you’ve earned your way on. (OK, we made up those numbers, but it was almost that bad.)
4. Denver Broncos/Cincinnati Bengals
Broncos required a play drawn up by Mary herself to beat the Bengals, and the Bengals got beat by it, so that put them in a tie (and nearly put Gus Johnson in the hospital). What’s Brandon Stokley going to do this week, release a plague of locusts on the Browns?
3. Cleveland Browns
Maybe he won’t have to. The Browns allowed Brett Favre to show his prowess at handing off to Adrian Peterson (couldn’t Tavaris Jackson have done that?) and gave up 24 straight points in the second half.
2. Houston Texans
Every rookie QB should get a first game like Mark Sanchez got against the Texans. If Sanchez totally blows after this, he has only the Texans to blame for the high expectations.
1. Carolina Panthers
QB Jake Delhomme coughed up more balls than a pachinko machine against the Eagles, including four interceptions and a fumble that went for a touchdown. (At least he was efficient -- he accomplished all that without even making it to the end of the third quarter.) This comes after a similar effort(?) against the Cardinals in the harsh spotlight of the playoffs last season. The Panthers’ owner got a heart transplant in the offseason. Perhaps the team should have done the same?
5. Detroit Lions
We don’t kick puppies or trip blind people -- we’re just like that. So because the Lions are fresh off a season so wretched that it scarred anybody associated with the franchise and just about anybody who was sentenced to watch them play, we tried to keep Detroit off the list. And they gave it a good go down in New Orleans. But when you give up 2,400 total yards and 73 TD passes, even to Drew Brees, you’ve earned your way on. (OK, we made up those numbers, but it was almost that bad.)
4. Denver Broncos/Cincinnati Bengals
Broncos required a play drawn up by Mary herself to beat the Bengals, and the Bengals got beat by it, so that put them in a tie (and nearly put Gus Johnson in the hospital). What’s Brandon Stokley going to do this week, release a plague of locusts on the Browns?
3. Cleveland Browns
Maybe he won’t have to. The Browns allowed Brett Favre to show his prowess at handing off to Adrian Peterson (couldn’t Tavaris Jackson have done that?) and gave up 24 straight points in the second half.
2. Houston Texans
Every rookie QB should get a first game like Mark Sanchez got against the Texans. If Sanchez totally blows after this, he has only the Texans to blame for the high expectations.
1. Carolina Panthers
QB Jake Delhomme coughed up more balls than a pachinko machine against the Eagles, including four interceptions and a fumble that went for a touchdown. (At least he was efficient -- he accomplished all that without even making it to the end of the third quarter.) This comes after a similar effort(?) against the Cardinals in the harsh spotlight of the playoffs last season. The Panthers’ owner got a heart transplant in the offseason. Perhaps the team should have done the same?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The CrackStaff Top10: Sept. 13, 2009
If your school had beaten two decent teams at this point, it would be at the top of the list. Unfortunately, two games into the season, no one has done that. So most on this list beat one decent team and gave some poor sister everything the Geneva Conventions would allow. Boy, adding that 12th game really ratcheted up the drama, didn't it?
1. The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU
TMPICKABYU followed up its upset of Oklahoma by thrashing Tulane, which any halfway respectable team should do without too much trouble. The game was in New Orleans, though. Did the Mormons convert anyone on Bourbon Street? Did any of them defect?
2. Alabama
After beating Virginia Tech in that Chick-fil-A game, Bama devoured Florida International, the college football equivalent of a Chicken Mini.
3. LSU
The Tigers have a rarity at this point: Two victories against teams from BCS conferences. OK, so it's Washington and Vanderbilt, but that's a president and a commodore, right?
4. Michigan
Was it us, or does that new addition make Michigan Stadium look a little like Lambeau Field, another pile of bricks with luxury boxes piled on top? Wolverines had every opportunity to fold up against the scrappy Irish, but somehow managed to win despite Clausen's wholesale destruction of their cornerbacks. Good thing nobody throws in the Big 10. (Oh, and can somebody tell Big Charlie Weis to get some plain-front pants? The pleats on his khakis were screaming so loud that they drowned out the Michigan band.)
5. Southern Cal
USC is cagey. They head east only to play big-name teams that aren't as good as they used to be. Virginia, Nebraska, Ohio State, that kind of thing. OK, Ohio State's a little better than those previous two, but they can also be counted on to lose any big game outside the comfy confines of the Big 10. By the way, USC at Syracuse in 2012. Like we said, cagey.
6. Houston
Prolific offense + SI cover jinx = hard times at T. Boone Pickens State. It was a lousy weekend for OSUs. And come to think of it, a pretty crappy weekend for the Big 12: Colorado humiliated at Toledo, K-State goes down to a Sun Belt team, Iowa State proves that Iowa (and thereby Northern Iowa) is several levels above it, and Missouri nearly craps its pants at home against a MAC team.
7. Georgia Tech
That first-week pasting of Jacksonville State looks a little better after JSU nearly took out Florida State in Tallahassee. Then there was Tech's shootout last Thursday with Clemson, which packed about as many big plays into one game as you'll see this season. We'd say Tech can't pass to save their lives, but that's pretty much what they to did to avoid full-out collapse against the Tigers.
8. Boise State
What better way to fade back to obscurity after a national TV game than pistol-whipping a really bad MAC team at home?
9. UCLA
That home victory over San Diego State in Week 1 didn't do much for us, but anybody who shuts up Lane Kiffin, even for a moment, is OK by us. Florida, you have your marching orders.
10. Minnesota
Hope there are some adrenaline junkies up in Minneapolis this season. Gophers come back on the road against Syracuse and Greg Paulus (whose eligibility grows blessedly closer to an end every day) and win in OT, then score two touchdowns to avoid the ignominy of opening their new stadium with a loss to a Mountain West team.
Teams that were on the list last week before embarassing us as well as all their family and friends by losing, but that's OK, right, because it's just a game: T. Boone Pickens State, Notre Dame, South Carolina
1. The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU
TMPICKABYU followed up its upset of Oklahoma by thrashing Tulane, which any halfway respectable team should do without too much trouble. The game was in New Orleans, though. Did the Mormons convert anyone on Bourbon Street? Did any of them defect?
2. Alabama
After beating Virginia Tech in that Chick-fil-A game, Bama devoured Florida International, the college football equivalent of a Chicken Mini.
3. LSU
The Tigers have a rarity at this point: Two victories against teams from BCS conferences. OK, so it's Washington and Vanderbilt, but that's a president and a commodore, right?
4. Michigan
Was it us, or does that new addition make Michigan Stadium look a little like Lambeau Field, another pile of bricks with luxury boxes piled on top? Wolverines had every opportunity to fold up against the scrappy Irish, but somehow managed to win despite Clausen's wholesale destruction of their cornerbacks. Good thing nobody throws in the Big 10. (Oh, and can somebody tell Big Charlie Weis to get some plain-front pants? The pleats on his khakis were screaming so loud that they drowned out the Michigan band.)
5. Southern Cal
USC is cagey. They head east only to play big-name teams that aren't as good as they used to be. Virginia, Nebraska, Ohio State, that kind of thing. OK, Ohio State's a little better than those previous two, but they can also be counted on to lose any big game outside the comfy confines of the Big 10. By the way, USC at Syracuse in 2012. Like we said, cagey.
6. Houston
Prolific offense + SI cover jinx = hard times at T. Boone Pickens State. It was a lousy weekend for OSUs. And come to think of it, a pretty crappy weekend for the Big 12: Colorado humiliated at Toledo, K-State goes down to a Sun Belt team, Iowa State proves that Iowa (and thereby Northern Iowa) is several levels above it, and Missouri nearly craps its pants at home against a MAC team.
7. Georgia Tech
That first-week pasting of Jacksonville State looks a little better after JSU nearly took out Florida State in Tallahassee. Then there was Tech's shootout last Thursday with Clemson, which packed about as many big plays into one game as you'll see this season. We'd say Tech can't pass to save their lives, but that's pretty much what they to did to avoid full-out collapse against the Tigers.
8. Boise State
What better way to fade back to obscurity after a national TV game than pistol-whipping a really bad MAC team at home?
9. UCLA
That home victory over San Diego State in Week 1 didn't do much for us, but anybody who shuts up Lane Kiffin, even for a moment, is OK by us. Florida, you have your marching orders.
10. Minnesota
Hope there are some adrenaline junkies up in Minneapolis this season. Gophers come back on the road against Syracuse and Greg Paulus (whose eligibility grows blessedly closer to an end every day) and win in OT, then score two touchdowns to avoid the ignominy of opening their new stadium with a loss to a Mountain West team.
Teams that were on the list last week before embarassing us as well as all their family and friends by losing, but that's OK, right, because it's just a game: T. Boone Pickens State, Notre Dame, South Carolina
Monday, September 7, 2009
The CrackStaff Top10: Sept. 7, 2009
Welcome to our first CrackStaff college football Top10. It's a ranking of our own making, completely subjective and subject to our own weaknesses, biases and outright stupidity. But it's our ranking, and we like it. If you want polls that are slaves to preseason rankings and a hopeless attempt to maintain continuity, please go directly to the AP and ESPN versions. We hope you are very happy together.
We try to base our Top10 on games, not expectations. You will notice, for example, that Florida is not at the top of our list. That's because Florida has played one team, a team slightly better than a very good high school squad, and played them in Gainesville. Florida beat them soundly, but that tells us only that Florida is a reasonably good FBC team. Florida hasn't done anything on the field to deserve a No. 1 ranking from anybody. And so they don't get one from us. You'll play real teams later in the season, Gators; get back to us then.
It's possible we left your team out because their brilliance has somehow evaded our laserlike focus on the game of college football. It's possible we left them out because they've been beating up on crappy teams (we base our rankings on what teams have done on the field, not on what we think they're capable of).
And it's possible we've left them out because they suck. You get to decide which reason is applicable.
And so, the Top10.
1. The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU
Yeah, Sam Bradford went all spectator for the 2nd half, but OU wasn't lighting up the scoreboard when he was in. Downgrade at O line and receiver may hold Sooners back a little this year, put they're still no pushover, and Arlington, Texas, was as neutral as Tabasco sauce. TMPICKABYU earned it this week.
2. T. Boone Pickens State
The Cowboys spent last year beating up the sicklier members of the Big 12 and getting rocked by the big boys. On Saturday they showed they might be up for something better this season. We don't think Georgia is quite as good as their preseason national ranking, but for now we'll buy into the SEC superiority thing and figure this was a pretty good win in a remodeled stadium that yet again proves money doesn't buy taste.
3. Alabama
These guys are a terror in the Closed on Sunday Preseason Shootout thing. First Clemson last year and now Virginia Tech, which played hard and probably shouldn't have stayed this close. Bama still has some questions to answer, but a win over a high-quality opponent on a (semi-) neutral field does a lot in the first week.
4. Baylor
Notice the list dropping off here? Don't blame us -- talk to the ADs who make the schedules. Baylor wins on the road against a well-coached Wake team that's been a bowl regular lately -- that's enough for us. Baylor QB is the kind that makes defensive coordinators reconsider that job in sales.
5. Missouri
We thought the Tigers were going to be pretty rough this year after their offense skill players left campus en masse, but new QB looked good, or at least good enough to eviscerate the Illini on a (semi-) neutral field. Zook may want to start working on those broadcast audition tapes.
6. Boise State
An ugly game against Oregon, and it would have been ugly regardless of what color the turf was or what Oregon was wearing. Still, when you not only shut down the stud RB but get him suspended for the season, you've had a pretty good night. Some of Boise's most, shall we say, enthusiastic fans look just as stupid, cruel and dangerous as any you'll see cheering for the big boys -- welcome to the big time, Broncos!
7. LSU
We'll be honest -- we didn't stay up to watch this one. But in Week One, when a team that generally relies on a big home-field advantage travels multiple time zones and beats a team we've heard of, it's good enough.
8. Winner of the Miami-Florida State game
Tied late in the second quarter, but, hey, we're not picky. Who wants No. 8? Beg for it, ACC dogs!
UPDATE: Welcome, Miami! Don't take anything while you're here.
9. Notre Dame
Was Nevada really supposed to be any good? Is Notre Dame really any good? It's great when a home victory over a WAC team is taken to mean that the Notre Dame glory days are back. Knute Rockne would retch.
10. South Carolina
This we pray: If you are indeed a merciful God, please, oh, please, do not make us watch the South Carolina offense again all year (or the North Carolina State offense either, but that goes without saying).
Others receiving consideration before we sobered up: Ole Miss, Cincinnati, Tulsa, Southern Cal, Iowa, Michigan, Richmond, William & Mary
We try to base our Top10 on games, not expectations. You will notice, for example, that Florida is not at the top of our list. That's because Florida has played one team, a team slightly better than a very good high school squad, and played them in Gainesville. Florida beat them soundly, but that tells us only that Florida is a reasonably good FBC team. Florida hasn't done anything on the field to deserve a No. 1 ranking from anybody. And so they don't get one from us. You'll play real teams later in the season, Gators; get back to us then.
It's possible we left your team out because their brilliance has somehow evaded our laserlike focus on the game of college football. It's possible we left them out because they've been beating up on crappy teams (we base our rankings on what teams have done on the field, not on what we think they're capable of).
And it's possible we've left them out because they suck. You get to decide which reason is applicable.
And so, the Top10.
1. The Mormon-Pacific Islander Coalition Known as BYU
Yeah, Sam Bradford went all spectator for the 2nd half, but OU wasn't lighting up the scoreboard when he was in. Downgrade at O line and receiver may hold Sooners back a little this year, put they're still no pushover, and Arlington, Texas, was as neutral as Tabasco sauce. TMPICKABYU earned it this week.
2. T. Boone Pickens State
The Cowboys spent last year beating up the sicklier members of the Big 12 and getting rocked by the big boys. On Saturday they showed they might be up for something better this season. We don't think Georgia is quite as good as their preseason national ranking, but for now we'll buy into the SEC superiority thing and figure this was a pretty good win in a remodeled stadium that yet again proves money doesn't buy taste.
3. Alabama
These guys are a terror in the Closed on Sunday Preseason Shootout thing. First Clemson last year and now Virginia Tech, which played hard and probably shouldn't have stayed this close. Bama still has some questions to answer, but a win over a high-quality opponent on a (semi-) neutral field does a lot in the first week.
4. Baylor
Notice the list dropping off here? Don't blame us -- talk to the ADs who make the schedules. Baylor wins on the road against a well-coached Wake team that's been a bowl regular lately -- that's enough for us. Baylor QB is the kind that makes defensive coordinators reconsider that job in sales.
5. Missouri
We thought the Tigers were going to be pretty rough this year after their offense skill players left campus en masse, but new QB looked good, or at least good enough to eviscerate the Illini on a (semi-) neutral field. Zook may want to start working on those broadcast audition tapes.
6. Boise State
An ugly game against Oregon, and it would have been ugly regardless of what color the turf was or what Oregon was wearing. Still, when you not only shut down the stud RB but get him suspended for the season, you've had a pretty good night. Some of Boise's most, shall we say, enthusiastic fans look just as stupid, cruel and dangerous as any you'll see cheering for the big boys -- welcome to the big time, Broncos!
7. LSU
We'll be honest -- we didn't stay up to watch this one. But in Week One, when a team that generally relies on a big home-field advantage travels multiple time zones and beats a team we've heard of, it's good enough.
8. Winner of the Miami-Florida State game
Tied late in the second quarter, but, hey, we're not picky. Who wants No. 8? Beg for it, ACC dogs!
UPDATE: Welcome, Miami! Don't take anything while you're here.
9. Notre Dame
Was Nevada really supposed to be any good? Is Notre Dame really any good? It's great when a home victory over a WAC team is taken to mean that the Notre Dame glory days are back. Knute Rockne would retch.
10. South Carolina
This we pray: If you are indeed a merciful God, please, oh, please, do not make us watch the South Carolina offense again all year (or the North Carolina State offense either, but that goes without saying).
Others receiving consideration before we sobered up: Ole Miss, Cincinnati, Tulsa, Southern Cal, Iowa, Michigan, Richmond, William & Mary
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