First and long

Far be it from us to question the experts of the porn industry, who have their fingers on the engorged, throbbing pulse of America and prove it by pumping out a trillion different titles every year, or at least enough to cause repetitive stress injuries in every adult American several times over.

But doubt has crept into our mind about just what the gods of porn valley are thinking when they come up with this, and, no, of course it's not safe for the workplace, dummy. For those too timid to click, "X-Play has just announced the upcoming release of 'Not Monday Night Football XXX.'"

Pardon us while we adjust our raincoat, but are you telling us that somebody was watching a network football broadcast and decided it was great fodder for a skin flick? (We're coming at this from the straight side of the street, Bucko, and don't you forget it.) Sure, there are cheerleaders, but we hear that was covered in some little "Debbie" movie years ago. And, yeah, there are sideline reporters, but still, there's mostly a lot of athletic guys and a few athletic-for-being-that-fat guys knocking the crap out of one another while two or three non-athletic guys talk about it.

Maybe it was porn's Super Bowl debut this year. Perhaps Mike Tirico has something to do with it. Maybe the departure of John Madden from "MNF" really was the act that would set the Apocalypse in motion, just like that little voice in our head told us. Shut up! Shut up! Oh, sorry, did we say that out loud?

All we know is, we don't get it. You're getting old when you don't get the popular music. When you don't get the porn, you're pretty much dead.